I went back to church and was warmly welcomed. I was always trying to prove myself that I was genuine about seeking Jesus. Deep down I had no idea if Jesus would actually accept me or not. I just hoped that he still loved me.
My mother used to say ‘if you don’t behave yourself this time me and you are finished!!!’. I put that onto Father God; I thought that might be his attitude towards me. My trouble was that I found it really difficult to behave myself.
I had a real problem with relationships, my wall of protection was so thick. I was to afraid to be me in case people found me unacceptable. The safe place was to remain hidden. At this time Martin and Lynette had started going to church, they had given their lives to Jesus. I thought that was good.
But inside I cried and cried.
I began to spend more and more time with Martin and Lynette because they knew my background. Everybody else at church did I was just in denial.
Slowly I would open up to Martin and Lynette. I told them who I was deep down. I was never afraid of being rejected by them. I was afraid of being rejected by God and the church as I had a difficult relationship with them.
One day Lynette said I have something to tell you but don’t know how to say it. I said what is it. Martin and her had spent some time and Glasgow, while they were in central Station there was a group of people praising and praying to Jesus. She said they joined in and felt completely at peace with them.
I knew what was coming.
Lynette continued so we are leaving to join them. I asked who they were she said ‘The Jesus Army’. They left that weekend.
I thought they had left because I had annoyed them in some way. I didn’t know what to do. I had more choices to make and I hated responsibility.
I ended up making a major choice.
At this point Father God was beginning to work in my life. I had opened up to a couple of people and had stayed away from drugs and drink for a couple of months. At times Jesus is changing things in our lives and it’s slowly and gently. If Jesus changed us in a major way instantly we couldn’t handle the change.
Sometimes we think we will never change but Jesus is changing us in his way not ours.
The trouble with me was I wanted everything NOW. Why should I have to wait was my attitude.
Jesus breaks the chains one at a time and then teaches us to walk in His ways.